What may be bad about this blog: there will be photos.
Worse: they may not be nice photos.
Even worse (??): they may be photos of me. Take that as you will.
You have been warned. Now, on with the show!
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A recipe for disaster, or how not to get a European visa
tl;dr key words and phrases: triplicate, distress, Murphy's law, break down and cry(My serious take-away tips are at the bottom if you would like to skip this post.)
Step 1: Break down and cry. You're never getting one.
I kid. But in all seriousness, before I go into the recipe, I really should've gotten the memo that visa applications could take three months to get to the other side of the world: you have to wait for a sea turtle to grow into adulthood before your personal information can be attached to them and sent haphazardly to European country X: don't ask me how land-locked countries would work in that scenario.
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| Hope that your turtle postman won't be as baked. Disney/Pixar |
Ingredients (in order of importance)
3 copies of high school diploma, because goodness knows how relevant it is to the process
$wag, charisma, and/or ability to flirt
2L of water, which you'll proceed to bawl out
$93 in cash…
…accompanied by copious amounts of chocolate. Not Swiss or Belgian chocolate though: they already swim in the stuff.
3 copies of "brief essay on the applicant's future plans" (I managed to squeeze in a brief section on an impending midlife crisis)
...amongst other things
- Get yourself and your documents together.
- Find out that you needed three months.
- Break down and cry.
- Prepare a monologue on how you are willing to clean out their office, sort out paperwork, or take out their trash for a particular duration on minimum wage or less. Include multiple pauses for emotional effect, preferably with tears.
- Get to the consulate. Don't take three months to get there just to be ironic or make a statement - it's not worth it.
- Watch the lady separate your documents into three piles before saying, "That looks good."
- Did I mention you need to break down and cry?
- Have the following exchange:
- Discard aforementioned, now-futile monologue.
NB You know how in pole dancing (oops, I mean, pole fitness), you have to roll your head after every move? Getting a visa is the same - you just need to break down and cry after every gesture. Do this while flirting with the old ladies behind the frightening glass windows at the consulate.
D: What can I do to speed up the process? Her: You can't do anything.
End of recipe. To follow, I highlight the following exchange with one of the lovely, friendly, doom-inspiring ladies at the consulate:
D: So I could wait for about three months, and they'll come back to me with a letter saying 'Yes' or 'No'?Hurray.
Her: [Helpfully] Yes.
You know, I had an apocalyptic or worst case scenario in my head, as I always do: 'What if the consulate or the cantonal office gets wind of this post and rejects your visa app?' But then I thought it'd take six months for any possibly offended decision makers to get wind of my transgressions from their many subordinates down the ladder anyway. Besides, I've strategically made this post when the consulate closes at 1 for lunchtime.
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| "Oh, visa applicants, you so silly!" |
Serious take-away tips
(I'll summarise the key takeaways at the end of each post, where necessary.)- Three months for a European visa, people! Get those sea turtles growing!
- Bring your passport even if the website doesn't ask you to.
- Find out the visa app fee and bring it in cash or cheque, depending on how ancient the technology is at the office.
- Migration or equivalent office retains discretion to shred your application to pieces. Call (never e-mail) the consulate or the authority overseas to clarify uncertain parts of the form. When in doubt, provide more information than necessary.
If you have any questions at all, drop it in the ask.fm box at the end of the page or here. Alternatively, you can drop a message in the guestbook.
Lastly, I love the idea of guest writers. If you're going on exchange or you're already there,
Update, 14 Jan 14:
I'm pleased to have stopped hyperventilating about not being granted entry to Switzerland thanks to the following comments that indicated the wonders of the Schengen Convention (see more). In summary:Australians are 90-day visa *exempt* for all European countries that are part of the Schengen Agreement. This means that you'll be let into Europe with no difficulty (they won't even give you a visa on entry, they'll just give you an entry date stamp), then it's only if you *leave* Europe more than 90 days later and you don't have a visa at *that point* that you're in trouble (but you'd probably just be fined). –Ethan DSome of the comments also pertain to those heading on a Danish exchange:
I got the same 3 months processing spiel from the Danish consulate. then I got my visa approved and in my passport and sent to my house in 3 weeks from memory. –Lindy T
I was also told by the Danish consulate that if my visa didn't arrive in time I could still enter the country for 90 days. –Emma BThere was also mention of a concerning bureaucratic practice:
I rocked up to Greece, eventually landed in Denmark and applied for a residence permit. It never came to me because my name wasn't delivered to me since there's a strange bureaucratic requirement that your name has to be on your letterbox at the time of delivery... –Simon TThanks so much for your help, everyone! I'll be sure to bring labels for my mailbox.
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